Letter to the Editor

No creature, human or beast, can resist lap/scratch time with the big guy.

June asserts herself as an official FOC candidate.

Johnny thanks new satellite office manager and MOC Kathy T. for his new gig.

Jerry in Woodbridge writes:

"Hey, CW. You were right to post that disclaimer ["CW First Look: New Satellite Office Mascots," May 23]. I went into mild cardiac arrest when I saw those images. I felt like I just had to nuzzle something! But with a barren wife and no pets to speak of I had to settle for this afghan blanket that sits atop my La-Z-Boy. But I popped a couple Benadryl and threw back a Michelob Light so I’m all good now and ready for more puppy pics. Tell Chris I said wussup!"

CW replies: Thanks for writing, Jerry. You asked for 'em and you got 'em. Now, take it easy, pal. Breathe deep. The cuteness quotient multiplies in these. [The preceding statements serve as our disclaimer for this batch.]

Workin' for the Weekend

While November FOC Tim H. readies for Memorial Day weekend festivities with a few lunges and deep knee bends, Chris gives us a "digital" shoutout, extending heartfelt holiday wishes to CW staff and you, our beloved readers. Happy weekend, everyone!

Please note that CW offices will be closing early today to allow our employees more time to hit the liquor store and Safeway for provisions. [And to reflect on the atrocities of war and the sacrifice of our fallen brethren, jeez!]

CW First Look: New Satellite Office Mascots!

Johnny and June: We think these two are going to work well together.

A real go-getter, ready for his first assignment. We like that sort of work ethic here at CW.

But we also appreciate this work ethic. Perhaps more so.

Being a no-nonsense hard-nosed publication means it can get crazy here at CW. We will wear your ass out.



Happy Getaway Day, y'all!

Okay, we know you’re frustrated with us, but let’s bury the hatchet in the name of Chris and the impending holiday weekend, as there is nothing Chris looks forward to more than a day off from work. So, what’s been going on with us, you ask? Well... [drum roll] We can’t help but think of Dolly Parton in Steel Magnolias when we exult, “We’re a chain!”

While the nation’s economy may be in the toilet, CW’s funds have been booming, so much so that we were able to expand our facilities and open a satellite office down in the Mount Vernon area of Alexandria. Having confirmed that, we’d like to give an official CW welcome to MOC Kathy T., who has been named office manager of our new digs. The abundance of funds also allowed us to bring in some additional staff. Please welcome our new satellite mascots, Johnny and June! They join the satellite office’s mascot-at-large, Nesta [much to her chagrin], and CW’s original mascot, The Divine Miss M. No, the little cuddlebugs won’t be helping with production or out in the field reporting but they’ve already taken to Chris and have proven to be a big hit at company events, which are the only real requirements of our mascots.

So then, without further ado, we give you Johnny and June. WARNING: THE IMAGES PRESENTED HERE ARE FREAKING ADORABLE. Corporate is making us provide that disclaimer, and recommends that viewers are seated with feet on the floor and both hands on the armrests in preparation for cuteness overload. [Just trying to cover our asses in this overly litigious society.]

What Did Chris Have for Lunch Today?

"Got a chicken gumbo at Au Bon Pain. It's new. Not that good. Just okay. I wanted to try something new."

So, what did he wish he'd gotten?

"I wish I had gotten the Loaded Baked Potato."

Chris then provided us with the recipe and cooking instructions for Loaded Baked Potato soup. Say no more, big guy. We've already dispatched our new summer intern to the nearest Safeway for ingredients. Be sure to check back for this guaranteed installment of "Chris Takes a Bite!"

Chris Takes a Bite

Corporate received a frantic call the other day from November FOC Tim H. to come over to his place forthwith, as Chris was on his way over with a pie from Generous George's Positive Pizza and Pasta Palace. We had one of our new summer interns transcribe the call for the readership:

"Hey, guys, I know you're busy with editorial and production stuff, but I wanted to let you know that Chris is en route to my place and he's bringing pizza! Now, I don't want to tell you how to do your job or anything but you might want to dispatch a reporter over here stat. I vacuumed and dusted, and even put it on an HD sports channel like he likes, so I'm hoping that'll hold him 'til you arrive. Thanks, guys!"

Good plan, T. It's that sort of cooperation between reporter and source that enable us to bring you these exclusive action shots for our latest installment of "Chris Takes a Bite," now a fan favorite.

Late Breaking News: Chris Goes and Cuts That Hair

Chris and his luscious coif pre-cut.

Worried about a possible language barrier, Chris gives his stylist the ol' "Make me look like this!" and shows her his driver's license.

We wish he would have stopped at this c. 1989-90 crew cut.

A little more off the top. Chris gets his hair cut so infrequently that he likes to take it low. Just a hair above military, pun intended.

Hot damn, we love our job. [Our fantasy job. Our real job, not so much.]


Cal from Arlington writes:

"Holy, s^%$! Was that Chris I saw getting a cut at the new Shirlington Hair Cuttery? See, I thought he still got his hair cut at TC International Salon. I got in trouble with them the other day for loitering outside, as I heard Chris was looking to get a trim. I thought maybe we could finally meet. You know, on neutral ground. But I know Chris can't turn down a deal like the HC. 14 bucks can still get you a good cut, eh buddy?"

CW replies: That's right, Cal. Normally one to say "flow it, show it, long as I can grow it," Chris realized he had to make a date with a set of clippers before his annual meeting in the city for his job, and the allure of a new, super-convenient walk-in establishment with late hours and low prices was too much for him to resist. While we at CW like the big guy with a little scruff, the establishment, as well as most of his friends, family and fans, prefer Chris clean-shaven. Whatever. We were just happy to get the scoop.

Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He shucks corn! Check out this four-frame expose we captured at a weekend cookout with disqualified FOC candidate Lauren M. and her gentleman caller Anthony. What a score!

Workin' at the Car Wash, Yeah!

Editorial will cringe at the following cliche, but better late than never, right? CW forgot to post these additional shots from the Subaru grille [yes, we realize we've been misspelling it] installation. Thankfully, Ricky Tinkle's angry emails in our inbox served as a needed reminder. Enjoy. [Grrr. Lucky car]

Grillin' Out (Literally and Figuratively)

Off with the old grill...

...and on with the new!

BOC and December FOC Brett T. celebrates the trouble-free installation the Chris way: with charbroiled, high-sodium, high-fat tubular meats!


Casey from Fairfax writes:

"What up, Chris Weekly! Google Maps is the best. I finally figured out where the CW satellite offices are! So Saturday I was lucky enough to stumble upon the big guy doing a little body work on the WRX in the garage. That and a little Popeye’s chicken on the way home made my weekend. Love those buttered biscuits, eh, buddy??"

CW replies: Yes, Casey, this past weekend Chris had his way with the CW staff vehicle, stripping it of its factory grill and installing one that’s decidedly more “race car.” Though corporate was a bit nervous about having Chris do the job himself, Chris assuaged our fears by merely pointing to past examples of his craftsmanship, namely our newly renovated bathroom and kitchen. We then gave ourselves several lashings for doubting Chris. The project went well, as he’d promised. In fact, his beautifully thin wrists enabled him to expedite the process, as he didn’t have to remove the bumper as he’d planned. The "grillin' out" continued after the installation, as we threw a couple dogs and brats on the barbie for a good ol' fashioned Saturday evening cookout.

Letter to the Editor

Mickey from Chantilly writes:

"Hey, CW! I thought for sure you'd do a post for Cinco de Mayo. I'd really been looking forward to it, as my Cinco kind of sucked. I just got a couple Meximelts from Taco Bell and watched a documentary on the History channel about Cuban drug lords in Miami. Close enough, right? CW forever!"

CW replies: Hi, Mickey, and thanks for writing. We do indeed have footage from Cinco de Mayo but the way production is moving, we knew it would be more like Ocho de Mayo before it was posted. However, Editor-in-Chief Kelly B. is home from her "real job" today, so you're in luck! We have the above pics for you an entire 24 hours ahead of schedule.

Normally one to round up the troops for a bonafide celebration, Chris eschewed the homemade guacamole and mariachi band for a more low-key Cinco this year. We got the call around 5 on Monday to pick up some chips, some dip and margarita mix. One thing we noticed while covering this event was that Chris really likes this holiday. Partly for his compassion toward the Mexican people for that whole taking of California thing, but mostly because it's an excuse to build a night around Mexican food and tequila shots, two of his faves. [Only we didn't do Mexican food per se. We opted for margaritas and a chips-and-cheese starter course, followed by brown sugar salmon on the grill and corn niblets.] Said Chris when probed by CW reporters about what Cinco means to him:

"It means victory for the underdog, man. Most people think Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day. But it's actually a celebration of their victory over the French in the Battle of Puebla. I'm no master of race relations, but I'm not sure what better way there is to celebrate a triumphant Mexican victory than with margaritas and Tostitos con queso. Gosh, I love that stuff."

Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He likes Slurpees! [preferably Coke and cherry mixed]

Late Breaking News: Tim and Andy "CHRISten" New Couch

After weeks of low traffic due to a lack of furniture, new roommates BOC Andy T., Esq., and November FOC Tim H. finally got their couch(es) and threw an impromptu dinner party last week to celebrate. The intimate occasion also served as an opportunity for one of the big guy’s official "CHRIStenings," whereby Chris actually makes a house call—he comes out to you!—and uses your new purchase. He says it gives inanimate objects a little jolt of positive energy to ensure a lifetime of service. Kinda like that slap on the ass that doctors give a newborn to jumpstart breathing. [Or used to. Damned political correctness.]

Press-hungry Tim H. left us a “hot tip” on our voicemail about the party so we were able to score this exclusive pic. And a bowl of chow. When asked after the pasta dinner how he felt, an excitable Tim replied:

“I’m feeling good, man, I really am. We got our couch, Chris is here sitting on it … Whew! I haven’t felt such a rush since the last time he came over. Thanks, buddy!”

Chris Weekly: The slap on the ass you need to keep breathing.

Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He surfs the web. [A lot.]