Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He goes shopping for new jeans! (And puts his pants on one leg at a time.)





Chris Weekly: Premium-quality journalism at an unbeatable price.

The Awakening

The Awakening, a 100-foot statue of a giant embedded in the earth, and struggling to break free. The installation, a longtime Washington fixture at East Potomac Park, was recently relocated to Maryland’s National Harbor.

The Awakening, a 6’ 3 giant embedded in his bed, struggles to drag himself out from beneath the covers. This particular installation was relocated to his Washington place of employment.

State of the Union

Chris shows a Chris Weekly reporter what's up.

He's taken, ladies!

Chris Takes a Bite

We know it looks glamorous but it's business as usual here at CW. At South Austin Grill Tuesday night, Chris selected a lucky chip from a basket that previously contained nearly 150 hopefuls, and let our reporter capture the dip, crunch and munch on film for CW readers who could not attend the event ["Letter to the Editor," Feb. 27], and also for our staff's own amusement (read: obsession).

And for those taking note, the big guy likes his tortilla chips hot/warm, sufficiently salted and accompanied by ample medium-hot salsa or (his wife's) guacamole.

Letter to the Editor

(L-R): Chris, Josh, Brett and Andy. Chris and Andy discuss what Chris will order for dinner while the J-man mugs for the camera.

Dewey from Woodbridge writes:

"I caught wind that Chris would be dining at South Austin Grill the other night so my date and I stopped by after our movie let out. I found Chris dining with a party of about 5; most of the faces I recognized but there was this one Johnny-come-lately I’ve never seen before who was all chummy with Chris. Does someone mind telling me what the hell’s going on???!"

CW replies: Calm down, Dewey. No one’s trying to pull a fast one on you. The "Johnny-come-lately" of whom you spoke is actually Chris’s buddy and established metro area resident, Josh B., who has returned to DC area after a six-month move to Oregon! The T. Family gathered with Josh and some friends at the Grill for a Welcome Back party of sorts, and of course CW dispatched its best reporter to the scene for exclusive coverage. And while we were honored to get the scoop, and it was great to see the ol’ fella, it was difficult to concentrate on Josh with Chris giving us both attention and his always photogenic consumption shots, which we’ve determined we’ll save for the next installment of our new favorite segment, “Chris Takes a Bite.”

Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He shops for iPod accessories!

Gratuitous Marley Pics

Hello all, or rather those faithful readers who have not yet deserted us and (thankfully) continue to importune for content:

We were home today from our "real jobs" due to an office-wide bout of cocktail flu. CW was tipped off about an impromptu gathering for Josh B., friend of Chris and honorary member of the T. family, the Tom Hagen to our familigia, who has returned to the DC metro area after a stab at life in Portland, Ore. [Welcome back, Josh!] So, while you guys may be irritated with our staff at our now-typical infrequent posts, try to find solace in the promise of pics and commentary from this most joyous reunion. Unfortunately, we had been experiencing technical difficulties throughout the day and were not able to download the pics amassed from the last few days until Chris returned to us from his socially mandated eight-hour workday. But he's home now and CW is now back up and running at full capacity. We promise more posts before quittin' time. For now, satiate yourself with these pics of Chris and his best (canine) girl, who enjoyed a spirited round of Stick-y on Sunday afternoon.

Chris Weekly: To love us is to love our mascot.

Breaking News: Chris to Earn Free Meal @ Cosi

Who says there's no such thing as a free lunch? Upon conducting our daily lunchtime interview with Chris, an intrepid reporter here at CW learned that Chris was just ONE MEAL SHY of a free meal at Cosi! You could say he's so close to a free meal he can taste it. It went down like this: When asked what he'll likely do for lunch today, he said:

"Probably some Au Bon Pain, or Cosi. If I get one more meal from Cosi I get a free one. You know I'm diggin' that!"

If we know Chris, that free meal is a shoe-in. He goes to lunch at 3:00 so check back with us this afternoon for an update. For now, here's something to tide you over. [Figuratively, not literally, of course.] Chris usually orders the Roasted Turkey & Brie sandwich at Cosi, described on the menu as "roasted turkey tenders, slices of brie and honey mustard."

UPDATE: What'd we tell you: "Picked up a Roast Turkey and Brie ... my next meal is free!" Nice work, big guy. Doin' it right.

The Best Of Reno 911!: Miami

After being reminded of some of our favorite bits from "Reno 911!: Miami," CW decided to take an early lunch to regain our composure. For those of you not familiar with the show or the movie, check out these clips, sure to give you a pre-lunch chuckle.

Use your signal, fuck head! (Sorry, mom.)

CW: Celebrity Connection

Here at CW, we don't have the time or wherewithal to concern ourselves with other celebrities. Chris does us just fine. So we encourage our fans to rub elbows with the beautiful people for us. Chris's friend Ric D. out in Mammoth Lakes, Calif., provides us with our first installment of "CW: Celebrity Connection." Ric, of Ric and Deanna, is our buddy from our Blacksburg days. He is an IT guy at the Mammoth Lakes ski resort, and occasionally operates the ski lift when they need help. He also is a fan of the often-hilarious, "Reno 911," and was walking the halls the other day when he happened to notice Lt. Jim Dangle (Thomas Lennon) eating lunch in the cafeteria. Looks like Lennon was happy to "get in to character" for a fan photo, though Ric notes he was not wearing hotpants.

Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He likes soup!

More Birthday Extravaganza Pics

CW Editor-in-Chief Kelly B. takes a break from reporting duties to enjoy a cocktail with the man of the hour. The incorrect camera setting actually helps to convey their state of mind.

Tim enjoys his mai tai. Like really enjoys it.

The Lovely Miss Amber K.

Chris confiscates Tim's blazer...

...because when Chris wants to wear your jacket, you eagerly oblige.

The birthday boy himself. Sigh...

Chris is served his mojito.

BOC Brett, anxious to get the good times-a-rollin'.

Our chef, Manny, continues to serve us a bunch of sauces we don't want as a distraction for his lack of tricks. You suck, Manny!

Clearly the high point of the dinner, for us and our neighboring tables.

Luke from Vienna writes:

"Hey CW! My buddies and I tried to get in on Chris’s birthday dinner reservation at Benihana to no avail. They run a tight ship over there. While my buddy did get to see him dance with the staff during his birthday serenade, I need more details. What did he order? Where'd he go afterwards? Input, input!"

CW replies:

Stop us, Luke, if you’ve heard this one before: we apologize for the extended delay in posting. We’re finally beginning to emerge from the cozy cots down in CW Sick Bay after being out of commission with cocktail flu since Sunday morning. As is customary after a long stint of celebratory merriment (and reporting!), the staff here at Chris Weekly are recuperating peacefully in our cubicles, only this time we’re downing Goody’s headache powder, nibbling gently on ice chips and Jell-O and soothing our nauseous stomachs with ginger ale. When we took the assignment to cover Chris’s birthday weekend, we simply had no idea what we were in for. February FOC Sissy B. may not use “party” as a verb but Chris sure does.

While we abhor the use of Generation Y-isms, Chris’s 31st birthday weekend extravaganza was, in a nutshell, off the hook. The evening began with a cocktail/Wii hour at CW headquarters before heading into Georgetown to make our 9:00 reservation at Benihana Japanese steakhouse. The Team Chris roster included BOCs Brett and Andy; disqualified October FOC Lauren M.; October FOC Tim O., brother Paul O. and Paul’s girlfriend, Alexis; November FOC Tim H.; and walk-on Amber “Beef Cheeks” K. Words that come to mind: Gluttonous. Intoxicating. Exhausting. Debilitating.

Highlights from the evening include: actually making our reservation; our starter round of fruity (read: gay) drinks; Chris dancing with The Benihana Five as they serenaded him for his birthday; sake shots; November FOC Tim H. escorting us to the ridiculously hip L2 lounge after dinner; Chris and Tim H. trading jackets; and everyone making it back to CW headquarters without incident for a late-night slumber party. Lowlights included a Teppanyaki chef of Hispanic descent and with little culinary showmanship; grey filet mignon; Chris’s sweet and too-saucy ginger lo mein; and unfortunate fortune cookies.

For now, feast your eyes on the above and following series of photos while we continue to detox. And trust that the brevity of this post is merely a testament to the low energy levels presently experienced by CW staff. We hope to be back online tomorrow with our renowned zeal and zest for (Chris’s) life. As always, we appreciate your saintly patience and well wishes.

More From the D.C. Arboretum

Per the USNA website:

"The columns began their life on the East Portico of the Capitol in 1828. They were quarried from sandstone near Aquia Creek in Virginia and were barged to Washington in the early days of our country, before the familiar Capitol dome was completed. Their stay at the Capitol was to be limited by an oversight. The dome of the Capitol, completed in 1864, appeared as if it was not adequately supported by the columns because the iron dome that was ultimately built was significantly larger than the dome that the designer envisioned. An addition to the east side of the Capitol was proposed to eliminate this unsettling illusion, but it was not constructed until 1958. More time would pass before the columns would come to their final resting place. It was not until the 1980s that Arboretum benefactor Ethel Garrett took up the cause of establishing a permanent home for them."

CW is proud to say we put Chris up on an ornate Corinthian pedestal. Here, Editor-in-Chief Kelly B. attempts to scale one.

Chris Weekly: Climbing our way to the top of your Chris resource list since 2007.

Letter to the Editor: BONSAAAAIIII!!! Edition

That pretty one in the front has been in "training" since 1876! That means someone's been grooming it and repotting it since 1876.


Doesn't this look like a woman with bushy green hair doing yoga? Downward dog to be exact.


This was the oldest bonsai in the garden, in training since the 1600s.

Warren P. from Dale City writes:

"This stinks! This is total BS! I’ve been waiting since SATURDAY to see Chris’s bonsai pics from the Arboretum. Chris Weekly talks all this yang about a commitment to serving its readers and blah blah blah. I’ve been checking the site every few minutes here at work and now I’m getting a hard time from my supervisor, and performance reviews are coming up next week! I’m starting to regret my “I’d Rather Be Reading Chris Weekly” tattoo. CAN YOU PLEASE POST CHRIS’S BONSAI PICS ALREADY?!!! Hey, Chris! CW forever, buddy!"

Our apologies, Warren. While you were checking for bonsai pics, we were MAKING A DIFFERENCE IN THE VIRGINIA PRIMARIES and something had to give schedule-wise. In any event, it's Chris's birthday week so let's not argue. The pics are now posted for your viewing pleasure.

Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He votes!

From the Editor in Chief, U.S., and Publisher: Saturday @ the Arboretum

BONSAAAIIII!!!
Gosh, we wish Christopher-san were more familiar with 1984’s The Karate Kid, as we could have a lot of fun with the scene where Mr. Miyagi shows Daniel-san the wisdom behind grooming or “training” bonsai, or potted trees. [While Chris claims to have viewed the film, we’re not buying it after he failed to properly demonstrate The Crane Technique.]

On Saturday, Chris rang the CW offices and invited us along to accompany him to D.C.’s National Arboretum; natural splendor nestled in the heart of the Washington ghetto. The Arboretum is presumably home to many different varieties of trees, but it being February, we were treated to many different varieties of bark. The idea behind the trip was to see the Capitol Columns, the old columns from the East side of the Capitol. They look kind of like Greek ruins. A real poor man’s trip to the Acropolis. And while the columns were very cool, Chris seemed to be really taken aback by the Bonsai garden. Which makes his refusal to embrace The Karate Kid and its subtle Bonsai wisdom all the more frustrating.

Take a moment to learn about the art of Bonsai from Chris’s favorite online resource, while we upload all his pics for the next post.

Now on to this week’s Big News:

CHRIS’S BIRTHDAY IS SATURDAY FEB. 16!!!!

It’s like Mardi Gras around here, as we commence celebration of the momentous event that was Chris’s birth, and the finale of his 31st year of life, ALL WEEK LONG. This week will be one of celebration, revelry and a general appreciation of life (with Chris in it), particularly since our CEO has temporarily lifted a ban on in-cubicle drinking. Additionally, the CW offices will be closed on Friday, Feb. 15, in honor of what certainly should at least be considered for federal holiday status; and also to give our employees time for Chris-centric reflection, or to rest up for the weekend’s festivities.

Feb. 16 is an important day for us here at Chris Weekly, and we know it’s important for you too. This publication would not exist if Chris didn’t, so in this time of recession and layoffs, the CW team essentially has Chris to thank for our jobs. We love this man. Let us eat, drink and be merry, in his honor and at his behest. Let us start a tradition -- and henceforth institute a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” office alcohol policy for the week of Feb 11-16 -- that boosts company morale, and reminds us for whom we work so hard in the first place.

One more thing: Chris is concerned that a “quad-coastal” influx of birthday cards may retard mail delivery, so he asks that we keep the “pipeline” open for those sending monetary donations. Please send all other birthday wishes via e-mail to our BigJuicyVan@Gmail account.

Maybe you’ll saddle up and ride. Maybe you’ll throw back a couple tequila shots. Maybe you’ll waste several hours surfing the Internet. Maybe you’ll try to beat Chris’s (undisclosed) top score in Wii bowling. How are you celebrating Chris’s birthday? Send us your stories and photos for our special coverage next week.

Holla Back, Girls

The reaction from CW’s first female FOC has been wild! We had no idea the announcement would arouse such praise and applause from ladies across the country. A pat on our collective back is in order, for breaking down yet another wall in the fight for the progress of women. [Well, it's really the first wall for us, but whatever.]

Suzy J. from Bismarck, North Dakota, writes: “This seems long overdue!”

Ella P. from The Bronx writes: “Where my ladies at?!! G-g-g-give it all you got, Mer!”

And Ricky Tinkle’s sis Julie provides us with the requisite: “You go, girl!”

We’re feeling here in the CW offices the sort of pride and satisfaction that great feminists of the past must have felt. Mary Wollstonecraft. Susan B. Anthony. Betty Friedan. Gloria Steinem. Chris Weekly.

Unfortunately, Mer was busy booking Virginia Beach street trash yesterday when we posted the announcement that she had been named February’s Friend of Chris, and didn’t learn of the news until this morning. She contacted us this afternoon to convey her joy, gratitude and general feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment:

"Wow. I am just speechless. It is a true honor to share so many similarities with the big guy. I am constantly searching for new ones. Anytime I discover something new, my first thought is to share it with Chris with the hopes that he likes it, too. The similarities are uncanny, really. First there's food. Pasta, mashed potatoes, and especially bread, to name a few. Bread is an important one. Soft on the inside, crunchy on the outside. We should really write a book together: 'Breads Have I Loved.' Sure to be a bestseller!"

Just let us know the release date, Mer. You can count on the CW readership to take that one right to the top. Where it deserves to be. For now, relax, go grab a baguette from Farm Fresh and think of Chris while you enjoy its chewy goodness.

Chris Weekly: A true paladin of women’s progress.

Chris Takes a Bite

Now one of our favorite segments, this edition of “Chris Takes a Bite” was captured by February FOC suitor and FOC hopeful Chris M. during a recent outing to Michel Richard’s Central (pronounced Cen-Traahl) in Washington. [Chris M. and Mer came up to visit this past weekend.] Always one to eschew health and diet guidelines, Chris is seen chomping down on a MEDIUM RARE hamburger, one of Central’s specialties, according to our waitress. Mmm mmm good. And the burger looks yummy too.

What's Chris Thinking About Right This Second?

"Bad news. I talked to Ted. He said he quit Eamonn’s. He said he needed to take some time off and they wouldn’t give it to him so they got into it." [collective gasp from CW management]

2/8/2008 11:55 AM

This is tough news for Chris, guys. It puts a SERIOUS damper on the aforementioned Friday Trifecta on which Chris has come to rely after a hard week's work ["Kickin' It @ Eamonn's, Feb. 6]. Yes, there was Eamonn's before Ted, but he definitely made it more fun. Thanks be to you, in addition to the cod and grouper, Ted. We hope our paths cross again soon. [weeping, followed by sniffles and gentle sobbing]

Sissy Named February FOC

CW is proud as a peacock to announce its first female Friend of Chris…

Mer B.! [aka Sissy, aka Madge, aka Cal]

No, she’s not one of the Spice Girls. You may remember Mer B. from our wedding, where she served as maid of honor (shown above with BOC and presiding officiant Andy T.), or past posts ["Chris's Sister-in-Law: She's Just Like Chris," Nov. 22; (Recorded) LIVE: Thanksgiving 2007 As It Happens," Nov. 22; "(Recorded) LIVE: CHRIStmas Pics 2007, Dec. 30]. Virginia Beach native Mer B. is Chris’s adoring sister-in-law, and a 28-year-old magistrate for her hometown. Don't let that photo fool you. She’s a tough ol’ gal; a no-nonsense broad. Should you find yourself brought before her after a particularly raucous Friday night in VB, just remember — she doesn’t like a lot of sass. [Or bad grammar.]

A lady of versatile interests, Madge appreciates interviewing the recently arrested and setting bail just as much as she does a midnight pound of hot, buttered, salted, al dente pasta accompanied by an episode of The Golden Girls. (Or perhaps these days, Flight of the Conchords)

Other likes include soft, chewy, doughy bread (just like Chris); reiterating safety statistics and recommendations; BQ chips; Us Weekly; more importantly, Chris Weekly; french fries and chicken tenders; cops; correctional humor; cats; sunbathing; Matt Nathanson and several other handsome, obscure singer-songwriters; karaoke; apple pie and ice cream a la mode (also just like Chris); assigning diet points, unnecessarily, to food and drink; Coach [bags, not flight class]; Rent, both the Broadway production and film; true crime novels; and fictional crime novels.

Mer’s dislikes include convertibles with the top down, windows up; reheated fried food; danger; college episodes of 90210; and GIRL SINGERS. [Except Julie Andrews and Amy Winehouse]

Upon learning of this most prestigious award, Mer exulted in a high-pitch squeal, “Eeeeeeee! Thank you, CW. Let’s party! Actually, ‘party’ should not technically be used as a verb. So, instead, let’s celebrate with abundant libations! As you know, alcohol is the number one cause of a good time. Free Bacardi O and Sprites for everyone at Fire and Vine at Hiltop! There’s only two points in a 5 oz cocktail!”

Congratulations, Mer B.! We’ve got a bag of BQ Kettle brand chips with your name on it. [Well, currently it says “STAFF” but we can change that.]

Kickin' It @ Eamonn's

After his Costco scare, Chris just wanted to chill out, lay low, and any other cliched phrases that convey the desire for a relaxing, low-stress evening. After a little beer and Wii bowling back at the house with November FOC Tim H., he headed into Old Town for his now-requisite Friday night trip to Eamonn's, where cameras are not only allowed, they're encouraged. And since we already had a reporter on the scene, CW Editor-in-Chief Kelly B., we tagged along so's we didn't miss anything. (Also Chris said he'd buy us a beer.)

Accompanied by (ungrateful) October FOC Tim O., not only did Chris get to relax and enjoy his Friday Trifecta of fried grouper, Guinness and chips, he got to hang with good ol' Ted and also logged some quality conversation with his very cool girlfriend, Rachel, with whom you see him chatting above. Once Eamonn's closed down, Chris continued to hang out and chat with Ted and Rachel for a bit before accompanying them to their place in Del Ray. But unfortunately their camera policy was similar to Costco's.