CW Exclusive: Chris Recounts His Brush With the Fuzz

Chris Weekly: Reports are that you were stopped by John Q. Law on 64 E en route to Virginia Beach last weekend. Can you give your fans an account of what went down?

Chris: There’s nothing I’d rather do.

So, we’re on I-64 heading east just outside Richmond, and I’m in the right lane with the cruise control set at 70 MPH. We pass a speed trap and just as we do, I hit the accelerate button on the wheel to bump it up to 71-72ish, just as a red Lexus passes us in the left lane. We pass the cop, and I’m thinking no problem, just over 70 should be okay.

As we continue on down the highway, an older model Japanese car with a missing headlight blows by us doing 80+ and changing lanes like crazy. We figure that the cop will be along to pull this guy over because we had just passed the trap. So the cop does come along but gets behind me and pulls us over! We never even got out of the left lane and you can be sure I dropped my speed back to 70 after passing him.

He gets out almost immediately and I have my window open ready to give him my license. First he asks if I know why he pulled me over. I’m like, “Because I was going 70 or just a mile or two over?” And he says, I clocked you at 83. We’re both like, “WHAT?!?! We just got this car and this is the first time I’ve used the cruise control, but I can assure you we were in the right lane and nowhere close to 75 much less 83.” He then walks to the front of the car and looks at the front plate but more importantly, the lights. He asks if I have my high beams on. I say no.

At that point he must have realized his mistake because we also mentioned how an older model silver car with one headlight passed us like a madman and he was really cool from that point. Just said that he had to run my license and if nothing came up we’d be on our way. He goes back to the car and a minute later comes back and says we’re good to go and be careful pulling out. I was calm but deep down sweating it bad. Makes you think; you can be adhering to the law and still get pulled! Needless to say I pulled out “safely.”

CW: Anything good come out of it?

Chris: Yeah, at least I got to use the turbo and accelerate like hell out of there. Safely.

Vox Populi

Get the CW flogging stick back from production! The readers have spoken about CW's sporadic posting as of late. Anonymous writes:

"Me and my friends have been clamoring for a new post! Don't ever make us wait like that again."1/30/2008 6:00 PM

Again, we apologize, Anonymous, and to all of our readers. Trust us, these hiatuses are harder on us than they are on you.

Chris Does Lunch

Blimey! Chris left for lunch while our correspondent was stuck at the MacPherson Square metro. But thanks to our sources, readers like you, we can report that Chris is headed to Potbelly, presumably the one on New York Ave but standby for a confirmation.

UPDATE: Chris happily reports to CW that he had the loaded baked potato soup from Potbelly [on New York and 14th], the soup du jour on Wednesday and Thursday. Thankfully our lunchtime correspondent was able to catch up with him at the fixins bar. "I had a manager scoop the soup so I got a hearty portion," he said. "It can be a crap shoot with Potbelly soup and chili because you don't scoop it yourself like at Au Bon Pain. Some low-level employees don't know how to dig deep for the good stuff."

Chris Weekly: Digging deep for the good stuff since 2007.

From the Editor in Chief, U.S., and Publisher

Hello readers,

I extend my greetings and salutations wholeheartedly, though I understand if you choose not to accept them. It’s been eight long days since our last post, which was admittedly weak at best to begin with [“Chris Saves Face,” Jan. 22]. In short, our office has moved from an undisclosed location to another undisclosed location, and in a nutshell, it’s been a real sounds-like-witch.

We at Chris Weekly are undergoing a corporate restructuring the likes of which most upstart blogs have never seen. We're completely revamping our facility, for starters, so everything's packed up in these orange crates, which makes accessing any reports or files on Chris difficult. While you’ve been clamoring for live coverage and photos, and wondering what Chris has been eating for lunch or what he did over the weekend, the staff here at CW has been packing and unpacking these crates, and familiarizing itself with new computer servers and equipment -- and worst of all, new personnel. Okay, that sounded a bit misanthropic. Worst of all, inexperienced personnel.

The powers that be did some hiring that’s sure to facilitate our burgeoning operations, such as the new titles of Production Editor and Vice President of Minutiae, but with that came some firing. There was some “pain,” as they say in the corporate trenches. Benny, our dedicated janitorial engineer and attentive mailroom/bathroom attendant was let go [on a Friday, of course, as studies have shown there’s less chance of an incident that way], as was our longtime receptionist and security chief Big Walt. True, these two were behind the scenes; but an understated position in no way diminishes the importance of valued staff.

Having said that, we’ve got at least a little bit of news for you today as we work toward working again at full capacity. Chris left for lunch recently and we’ve got a correspondent trailing him in the city now to find out where he’s headed. Also, Chris sat down with me for an exclusive interview about his recent brush with the fuzz en route to Virginia Beach! We hope to have that for you by COB today. [That’s corpspeak for “close of business” for you civilians.] As always, CW appreciates your saint-like patience.

Chris Saves Face

It has been Bittah! cold in the DC metro area for the last several days. Temperatures have been below freezing or barely above freezing, and it's windy too. But that hasn't stopped Chris from parking the ol' caboose ... on the steel horse he riiiiiiiides, and biking in to work. As this morning was particularly chilly, CW was happy to get a few words from the big guy. Once he thawed out.

CW: How was that ride in this morning? Must have been miserable.

Chris: Yeah, it was pretty cold. It felt like my face was going to fall of at the beginning. Once I got going it was okay.

CW: Face still on then?

Chris: Yup. Still workin the face.

Chris's Pics From Lake Las Vegas

(Two sinks. That must have been nice.)



A marvel of modern engineering. (Chris, not the Hoover Dam.)


Good morning, all,

Many of you out there had never even heard of Lake Las Vegas ("Puttin' on the Ritz," Jan. 20). In fact, Denny from Loudoun County wrote to us over the weekend:

"I've never even heard of Lake Las Vegas. Chris, be sure to take some pictures, buddy!"

Rest assured, Denny. Chris, ever the photo-journalist, was happy as hell to take photos from his trip, and downright giddy about providing them to CW for its usual--and renowned--exclusive coverage of all things Chris. Sit back, take an early lunch and enjoy.

Write to us with questions, comments or Chrisspottings at bigjuicyvan[at]gmail[dot]com.

If it's happening in Chris's world, it's happening on Chris Weekly.

Get Down, Get Down

Chris FINALLY used his REI Christmas gift card from BOCs Andy and Brett T. to purchase the 700-fill down North Face Nuptse. Size: Large. Color: Olive Green. Enjoy, readers. Sigh ... What a lucky coat. CW was able to catch up with Chris upon checkout, where he had this to say about his purchase: "As an ecological enthusiast, when it comes to bodily warmth, it's nice to have the support of so many a goose. Involuntary, perhaps, but support nonetheless. I thank them for their selfless contribution to the elevation and maintenance of my bodily temperature."

Chris Weekly thanks you too, geese. Big ups to our feathered friends. We at CW couldn't further handle to see Chris shivering in the cold on sub-freezing days, and clearly they couldn't either. It's been roughly 15 degrees around here for the last two days, and Chris has since reiterated to CW several times that he's much appreciative of the warmth henceforth provided by his new goose-down parka. And on a personal note, the staff speaks for the readership when it confirms that those warm feelings have most certainly reverberated throughout editorial.

Puttin' on the Ritz

Good morning, all,

The sun is shining, we have off tomorrow for MLK Day (represent) and it's 12 hours, 43 minutes and counting until Chris comes back to us. He's been in Lake Las Vegas since Thursday for work. [Editor's Note: Please cease with the calls and letters, guys. I don't know what Chris does.] He sent us this exclusive pic from his hotel room at the Ritz last night. Just when we thought we couldn't go on, our Gmail Inbox gives us strength.

Letters to the Editor

Inaugural Friend of Chris and fan favorite Peter B. from San Francisco writes:

"Keep up the good work. Nothing brightens up the work day like a fresh dose of CW. (You can quote me on that.)"

And we did! Thanks so much for making us part of your morning, P.

Chris's sister-in-law and FOC hopeful Meredith B. writes:

"Glad to see you covered up the vent in the shower ("From the Editor in Chief, U.S., and Publisher: Scenes From a Weekend," Jan. 15). That was a rather chilly shower experience ..."

It has indeed been nice, Mer. The staff is dying over here imagining you in that situation.

Keep those letters coming, people!

Smooth(ie) Operator

After several years together without homemade milkshakes, pina coladas or smoothies, Santa blessed us with our first brand-new blender this CHRIStmas. True, back in college we somehow acquired our buddy and October-Friend-of-Chris-DQ Lauren M.'s parents' old pea-green model, and she worked hard for us, but her functionality and style waned over the years and after a few lackluster shakes, she met an ignominious end in a Blacksburg, Va., dumpster. Our sincere apologies to the M. family.

So, last night, ironically on one of the coldest nights in recent memory, we decided to break in the new blender with a couple strawberry smoothies. Chris even went out in the freezing cold up to Safeway to get some frozen yogurt (Buy one, get one free!) and frozen strawberries, per an Internet recipe. But unfortunately, even on Level 5, the blender would not blend. The end result was a watery, chunky and funky-tasting single-serving smoothie. Ordinarily I would chalk the incident up to "user error," but Chris was at the helm here. If he can't do it no one can! [Yes, I jumped up in a Herkie after I typed that.]

In related news, we have a ton of vanilla frozen yogurt so grab a spoon and come on over. If you're lucky enough to know the whereabouts of CW headquarters, that is. Heh heh.

Fashion Police

CW: Remote control, check. Leggings, check. Your wife's bathrobe, check. All that's missing here are a bag of barbecue chips and an episode of 90210.

Tim H: No, no, no, Chris. If you want leggings to work, opt for a tunic-style top instead.

What's Chris Thinking About Right This Second?

"I was just thinking about how I haven't had lunch yet. Also thinking about the best way to hook up my network hard drive. [I'm] chatting with Ryan about it now."

1/15/2008, 2:34 PM

A Boy and His Dog

Tuesday morning, approximately 8:15 AM: Marley uses her wiles, both canine and feminine, to keep Chris in bed with her instead of gearing up for a bitter-cold bike ride into the city. Admittedly an easy task but one she takes seriously, nonetheless.


8:35 AM: Marley may have left but the damage is done. That comfytown comforter's not helping much, either.

From the Editor in Chief, U.S., and Publisher: Scenes From a Weekend

Chris kicks off Sunday morning with a mammoth helping of Apple Scrapple from the Great Harvest Bakery outside Fairlington. Apple Scrapple is the love child of an apple pie and a doughy loaf; it's soft, chewy, covered in a THICK coating of brown sugar and has pieces of apple inside. (I know, it sounds good til that last part.)

Nothing compliments a chunk of Apple Scrapple like CW's famous hot chocolate. Okay, this batch was made with a Lindt HC packet Chris acquired over the holidays but we add the vanilla, whipped cream, marshmallows and love.

Time to do work. Chris finally gets to tacklin' those vanity doors, which have been without handles since the summer.

Going under the sink for new products is always fun for me, but now it will be easy too. I once broke a nail very deep in the quick trying to open [STORY ABORTED BY CW STAFF DUE TO BLOOD GOING COLD.]

Let there be light! Okay, we always had light but at least now with this here fancy light switch cover, the risk of electrocution due to exposure to stray wires has been significantly reduced. Oh happy day!


Hello all,

Here I am with our weekend wrapup, late as usual--which makes me right on time!

After a hectic week that included a long, uncomfortable return flight from Las Vegas followed by 8-hour work days and blustery subzero temperatures, Chris took this past weekend as an opportunity to just chill. [Pun not originally intended but now intended.] Saturday was MOC Kathy T.'s birthday, and some astute readers noticed the T. clan posted up at family favorite Austin Grill in Old Town. In fact, Ron from Vienna wins the award for Most Perceptive Reader; he writes:

"I was at the Grill this weekend and Chris was there with his family. But unfortunately he did not look happy with his meal. He must not have gotten what he ordered, as he exclaimed several times, 'I don't even know what this is!' I asked to speak to the manager but my wife stormed out while I was waiting so I had to go. But not before I got the waitress' name! Don't worry, CW, I'm on the case."

Thanks for writing, Ron. That's why you're different. Your wife's a lucky lady. Chris was in fact served the wrong dish: a beef burrito, not what he ordered (enchiladas). Being the selfless, magnanimous individual that he is, he ate the burrito, frustrated but eventually satiated. After lunch it was back to the T. house for ice cream cake and football, the combination of which puts me down like a burned out bulb. Saturday night it was back to Eamonn's after a happy hour and a little "Entourage" over at CW headquarters.

Sunday was slow and indefinite, the way a Sunday's supposed to be. But the pace picked up considerably when Chris invited CW over to make him breakfast and capture exclusive footage, seen above, of him finishing up the last remaining tasks in our newly-renovated bathroom: handles on the bathroom vanity; light switch; and closing the in-shower heating/AC duct with a new register. (Prior to Sunday's installation, the duct was wide open, creating a breezy and rather chilly shower when the heat cuts on. CW apologies to those who had previously experienced it.) We unwound Sunday evening, and rewarded Chris for the day's hard work, by enjoying pizza, blue crab mac-and-cheese and Vermont brown ale at Rustico, courtesy of BOC Andy T. via Christmas gift card. Thanks, counselor!

And there you have it. Chris's weekend at a glance.

Living a meaningless life and looking for answers? Don't turn to Scientology. Our leader is way better looking. Write to us for more information at bigjuicyvan[at]gmail[dot]com.

Fresh-Face Chris

Here is the forepromised pic of Chris sporting a clean shave and highty-tighty. (It's a VT thing; you wouldn't understand).

Breathe deep and take it all in, readers. Behold the suave, dapper and sophisticated association professional that is Chris, shown putting the finishing touches on his outfit yesterday morning before stumbling downstairs to meet the day.

Ay dios mio! Honey, you can register me for your little tax seminars anytime.

Happy Friday, everyone! See Chris LIVE at Eamonn's tonight around 11:00 p.m. Stop by, say hello and grab a Guinness to kick off the weekend. He'll be taking questions, and signing headshots (for $5, unfortunately).

From the Editor in Chief, U.S., and Publisher

Hello, all. Happy Hump Day. It's a balmy yet blustery 67 degrees here in the D.C. metro area, and Chris returned last night from his trip to Vegas. Sporting a clean shave and high-and-tight cut! (I'll have to get a picture for you guys.) Life is good.

Not much to report in this edition of From the Editor. Since we last posted, CW staff and management has gotten used to and been enjoying the new 5-speed staff vehicle; Chris discovered "Entourage"; and Redskins' coach Joe Gibbs announced his resignation. Chris spoke exclusively to CW about the big news and what it means for his team: "Okay by me either way. I like Gibbs but some new blood might be just what the Skins need. Shake things up a bit."

We've been getting some tremendous response from fans in our Readers Forum, as well. Or, shall I say, the now-coveted Friend of Chris Award is getting a response. Sunflower M. from Va. Beach writes:

"I certainly feel that my Chris M. [(Recorded) Live: CHRIStmas Pics 2007, Dec. 30] should be in the running for FOC in the near future. I mean, they have the same name, and when Chris M. was in college his roommates had a little game called, 'I Wanna Be Like Chris.' Need I say more?"

Thanks so much for writing, Sun. And yes, if you could say a bit more on the matter we'd appreciate it. While we're tickled pink to have received your letter, and quite certain that Chris M. revels daily in the fact that he shares his name with The Great One [Damn, I guess that's already taken], we look for more in an FOC candidate than a willingness to use a shared name to propel his own dreams of regional Internet fame and adoration. An FOC is attentive, anticipatory, sycophantic. Towards Chris, not just in general. However, your recommendation has been duly noted, and will be submitted to our FOC Award committee for February's nomination.

Also, when you say your son's friends played a game called "I Wanna Be Like Chris," are you sure they weren't trying to be like OUR Chris? Cuz I know that game. We play it here at the office. Perhaps Chris M.'s "friends" didn't have the heart to tell him the game's true objective. Might wanna look into that.

In closing, I'd like to thank my beloved CW readership for the calls, cards and general words of encouragement during my recent period of loss and yearning, Jan. 4-8. We were united in our grief and got through Chris's absence together. You are the wind at my back. (Actually Chris is, but you get the idea.)

CW Presents: "Home Alone," by CW Editor-in-Chief, U.S., and Publisher Kelly B.

Hello all,

As many of you know, Chris and I have been apart since Friday morning, as he is in Vegas with his brothers, December FOC Brett T. and new CW fan Andy T., visiting their father for their annual holiday extravaganza. The CW staff appreciates your words of encouragement during this difficult time. This separation, now closing in on its 82nd hour and 32nd minute, prompted the following haiku.


"Home Alone"

Come home to silence
No chance of Chris home shortly
Jammies by 7

Admittedly slow
Floundering in his absence
A fish without air

So, what's for dinner?
Can eat anything I want
Four Advil PMs

And a bowl of peas
That will fill me up and make
The night end faster

Let's check out the tube
No more 'Devil Wears Prada'
Something different

90210
Why can't Kelly and Brandon
Just work things out, please?

Almost late enough
To rationalize bedtime
Time for my shower

I should shave my legs
But why, when there's no one to
Appreciate the

Buttery goodness
Ask not for whom they are shaved
I shave them for me

No, I'm not cryin'
I'm making a lasagna...
...for one. But it's cool.

Good night, our sweet Chris
Wonder what you are doing
Hope we're in your thoughts

Letter to the Editor: NYE Edition

P.J. from Vienna writes:

"Hey CW! Where was your New Year's Eve post?? I turned down an invite to a tight NYC record-industry party cuz I thought you said something about live coverage. How did Chris ring in the new year?? What did he eat for dinner?? This is BOGUS, man! Big ups to Chris."

CW replies: There there, P.J. You sound like a loyal Chris Weekly reader and so you should know by now that our "live" coverage of special events is oftentimes delayed. We're not saying anything, but we reserve the right to invoke Chris's mantra in situations like this: "Chill."

Chris kept it low-key this NYE. When asked why by CW, he answered, "I don't check the clock or calendar before I party. I already rang in 2008 several times throughout December." He instead called up his favorite online publication and invited us for a session of cocktails and high-calorie, refined-sugar snacks before a late-night dinner at the ol' CW company hangout, The Carlyle, in time to revel in the last 45 minutes of 2007 with a beer (him) and Manhattan (us). Chris then took advantage of CW's lax expense policy and enjoyed his new 'Lyle favorite, the hangar steak and Parmesan mash, on us. We happily obliged but not before he granted us permission to release these exclusive action shots. Enjoy!

CW thanks its fans, old and new, international and domestic, for their support throughout 2007. Step it up in 08, would ya? Happy New Year, everyone.

January's Friend of Chris

Chris Weekly is proud to name Duke as its January Friend of Chris. Former FOC and FOC enthusiast Tim H. is out of the country so we feel comfortable in saying that never was there a more deserved recipient of the award.

Duke enjoys running, eating, sleeping, pacing and enforcing the house rules. When probed for comment by CW reporters about his win, Duke whimpered and barked at our interview equipment.

We love you, sweet boy.