Breaking News: Chris Resumes Door Restoration Project

Many visitors to the Chris Weekly corporate offices have noted that our front door lacks the professional appearance an e-rag of CW’s caliber should present. We’re pleased to report that after nearly a year of dodging the questions and comments out of shame and embarrassment over our company’s poor work ethic, we can now provide an explanation, as corporate lifted the staff gag order on the project and finally approved funds to resume renovation of our main entrance. [sound the trumpets] Even better, Chris talked to CW exclusively about his renewed enthusiasm for the project, his concerns and trepidations about “the next step” and just how the hell it ended up like that in the first place.

CW: So how long has the front door been “under construction”?

Chris: It all started with the lock. We began having trouble with our lock, the bottom part that you turn, and decided to get a new one. A shiny new Schlage. Installation seemed like it would be a breeze. And it would have been if the door were a standard size. The CW door is a big, heavy, solid, Baby Boom-era SOB. The hinges alone look like small oxygen canisters. They literally don’t make 'em like that anymore. So the lock ended up being half-installed. The top deadbolt works but the bottom lock still does not. It is permanently in lock mode and must be stuffed with something to keep the lock from engaging.

CW: Stuffed with something?

Chris: Yes, stuffed. For some time we used a fun-size Three Musketeers, which though not a permanent solution, sure seemed to do the trick for nearly a year. When the Three Musketeers began to under-perform, and by under-perform I mean shrivel up and harden, editorial just stuffed it with some tape or something, as the staff candy supply had long been depleted. And that’s how it stands today.

CW: And then…

Chris: And then I began to fixate on the door itself, or I should say, the inside part of the door. The part of the door that you actually notice.

CW: Tell us about how it looked prior to your intervention.

Chris: It was just a regular, heavy-ass door, with several coats of probably lead paint. Kind of a semi-gloss neutral beige color. At one point I noticed a tear in the paint, and it called to me to come peel it. Like when you peel someone’s sunburn. You can’t stop really until the whole layer is off or it looks uneven. You want to get down to the smooth new skin. So, in the face of much resistance from staff, both editorial and production, I kept peeling.

CW: Describe for readers the lowest point of the project.

Chris: At the lowest point, CW’s main lobby was covered in dust and likely toxic paint chips. It smelled of ammonia. It was not pleasant. [CW mascot] Marley had to be removed from the building, and staff was sent home for the day.

CW: And then…

Chris: And then the project stalled for a bit. Reasons for this include lack of funds, lack of time and lack of motivation or drive. CW staff adjusted to the “new look” of the door and, with the recession seemingly imminent, completing the renovation kept getting bumped lower and lower on corporate’s to-do list.

CW: Fast-forward to July 2008…

Chris: One morning staff became suddenly and irrationally irritated at the status of the project, and my “unwillingness” to field employee suggestions about “the next step.” To be honest, I was a bit nervous about making another move with the door, as replacing that sucker would likely be expensive and difficult. Thankfully I was able to sit down with the entire staff and hash out a plan. I was able to show them that, while I had chipped away many layers of the door, there remained a couple more to go, and that underneath that last layer was a smooth wooden surface that would probably only require a little sanding, some primer and several coats of paint. I reached that smooth layer the other day, as you see above.

CW: So what's keeping you motivated to finish?

Chris: It became clear to me after that last piece of warped white wood was pulled off that this project is now finite. The work load appears to be less than I thought, and with the committed assistance and support of the good people here at CW, there's no need to put it off any longer. I look forward to providing CW with pics upon completion.

CW: And we look forward to posting them. Thanks in advance for your hard work, big guy.

Chris Weekly: Let the newly renovated door hit you in the ass on the way out.