Chris Has Left the Building

Cue the violins. Chris is officially out of town, having chugged out of Union Station a half-hour ago. That sad fact prompted these words:

Til Friday. Stay Strong.
Train a-comin' down the track
To take you from us


CW appreciates your thoughts and well wishes during this difficult time. Write to us and share what you are feeling about Chris's departure. Cheese and rice, just click that Comments link down there!

Happy Halloween, Y'all!

Chris doesn't really do much for Halloween anymore these days. As we all know, he doesn't like scary movies. Or even movies with somewhat tense scenes. And dressing up would require resources, imagination and a party, all of which Chris was lacking this year. Plus, he doesn't understand this American tradition of setting aside one day a year to gorge one's self on fun-size candy bars. If he wants a midget Snickers, he's-a-gonna have a midget Snickers, no?

Chris leaves us today for the funky-smelling streets of Philadelphia. He won't be back until FRIDAY. Separation anxiety will start to set in around 7:30 tonight. I grow cold, the walls feel like they're closing in, and the second hand ticks on the clock become audible. I have a series of breathing exercises I do to stay calm during times like these, but they do nothing to dull the pain. So I've got the failsafe waiting for me at the crib: a sixer of Bartles & Jaymes and a box of Rice-a-Roni. As Jeff Tweedy of Wilco sings, "Every moment's a little bit later..."

Second Shift

When I get home from work, lately I've been trying to go for a run, but ultimately I can't WAIT to get into my jammies. When Chris gets home from work, HE KEEPS ON WORKING! Here, Chris is shown Monday evening--after eight hours at the office and the aforementioned grueling commute--putting up some more trim in the kitchen. Ever the homemaker. [Literally!]

Chris Gears Up...

...for this morning's commute.

While you're making sure you've got your keys and cell phone, he's making sure his bike chain is well positioned and well lubricated for his long, cold ride into the city. Are you wincing at the thought of straddling that tiny, hard plastic saddle while hunchbacked and clutching cold handlebars, bracing yourself against the wind and dodging angry drivers? Good. You should be.

From the Editor in Chief, U.S. ... and Publisher

Good afternoon all,

Coming to you live from the DC metro area on a crisp autumn Monday, just before the lunch hour, Chris's favorite part of the work day. The sun is shining, and it's two days til payday. Life is good. Plus it finally feels like fall out there -- a mere 42 degrees this morning when Chris mounted his aluminum steed and took off for his place of employment in the city. He even let me bust out my pea coat, which means the change of season is official.

For those of you anxious for Chris's weekend recap, the big guy took it easy: relatively early nights, no booze, a little football (both real and imaginary), a little Clarendon, a little Georgetown and of course a trip to Home Depot, after which he cut and painted some kitchen trim. And it looks so good, y'all. He is so freaking handy.

Also of note, Chris has finally moved on from Black Thursday ["Chris and the ... Very Bad Day," Oct. 26] though still does not wish to elaborate on the loss for CW. I'm torn between my journalistic integrity and my allegiance to Chris on this one, as I snapped some great pics of him during the game that run the gamut of emotions, but I don't want to remind him of the pain and risk sending him back into a tailspin. Maybe after the wound has scabbed up and started to peel off, we can look back and laugh.

Additionally, as noted above, Chris got back on his bike today after a week's reprieve. He's back, baby. Though tonight and tomorrow night will likely follow a similar low-key pattern as the last few days, as he prepares to travel to Philadelphia on Wednesday, All Hallow's Eve, for business. We'll have my mom's spaghetti for dinner tonight, maybe iron some shirts and pack, and, as is usually the case whenever one of us leaves town without the other, go for some sort of takeout for Tuesday night. And there you have it! Chris's week at a glance.

Chris and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Readers,

Today has been a positively abysmal day for our favorite guy. We promised him we wouldn't bring it up again, but his depression has to do with the outcome of a certain collegiate football game. [Rhymes with "Tirginia Vech"] Please continue to keep him in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Suffice it to say, it will be a while before Chris can utter the phrase "onside kick" without slamming the remote control into the couch and reminding himself how quickly this game went to shit. After an evening of celebrating our seemingly imminent win with refreshments, laughter, good friends and exuberant high-fives, the game took a nosedive as the Hokies botched the aforementioned play. [Sorry, Chris.] Today's cold, grey, rainy weather, a mild hangover and society's eight-hour workday have only compounded his feelings of hopelessness, as have a tingling in his left ring finger and pinky from sleeping on his arm wrong, and the fact that I ironed a shirt for him that he'd already worn twice this week. Regarding the latter, upon bringing the repeat shirt to my attention, I applauded him for at least moving on from the game, to which he replied: "I'm trying to care about something."

Our morning proceeded as such, wrought with Chris's grunts of dissatisfaction, painful outcries of cuss words and rhetorical questions like "How could they let that happen??!," and the occasional motivational axiom: "I guess I gotta just keep on keepin' on." Unfortunately, he declined to be formally interviewed by CW, saying only, "I'm inconsolable. I don't want to talk about it anymore." And he was serious.

So you're probably wondering, what can I do to assuage his pain? For starters, remind the big guy that if he's hurting, we're all hurting. Send your letters of reassurance and encouragement to us at BigJuicyVan[at]Gmail[dot]com.

Kickin' It With Chris

Blech. It's cold, grey and rainy here in Washington, and the mild entertainment we get from watching area motorists carelessly maneuver their vehicles on these slick suburban roads does nothing for my Thursday blahs. Times like these we look to Chris. Or in this case a picture of Chris. We came across this free and easy shot of The Big Guy relaxing in the Hamptons, happy as a clam, and thought we'd post it for those readers experiencing the same blahs. If we can't feel the sun on our own shoulders as we lounge in a perfectly chilled pool on a late summer day, then by golly we'll just watch Chris do so. Which actually gives us greater satisfaction anyway.

Backsplash Backlash

Lenny, you may have struck a nerve here. Round these parts we don't much like it when someone criticizes Chris. Anonymous from Alexandria writes:

"I picture Lenny like 'Lenny' from The Simpsons. Just a common putz. The kinda guy that will give Chris shit for not getting his tiling done, but then can't do tile himself. Guys like Lenny continue to drive Chris to reach for the stars. "

CW replies: Thanks for writing, Anon. While Lenny may light a quick fire underneath where his legs come together, Chris reaches for the stars without provocation. He just doesn't know any other way to live. It's good for the back, and as he points out, "unless one is 100 feet tall there's not very far to go reaching downward." There's that brilliant wisdom again.

Chris Weekly: A twinkle of pleasure in the black sky of your life.

The Burden of Proof

Okay, guys. I'm going to have a put a cease and desist order on all the calls and e-mails. Many of you are asking for photographic proof that Chris did indeed put up the remaining backsplash behind the stove after procrastinating for several weeks. Lenny from Falls Church writes:

"You say Chris actually finished laying the backsplash in the kitchen? I'll believe it when I see it."

Ask [repeatedly] and ye shall receive. So sit, spin and choke on it, Lenny. And all you other doubters. We at CW strive to support Chris's renovation efforts, not evaluate them. We were confident he'd get around to the backsplash on his own time. And he did. Pretty groovy, huh?

Fan Mail Continues to Dribble In

Dennis in Centreville writes:

"Hey, CW. I'm just about to clock out for the day and I got to thinking -- what's Chris doing for dinner tonight?"

CW replies: Thanks for writing, Dennis. Although Chris already has plans! Just kidding. A little CW humor there. Upon receiving your query, we contacted Chris directly for the positively delectable scoop:

"I was thinking about that pasta with some chicken and prosciutto."
3:43 PM 10/24/2007

Good choice, Chris! Please let us know how it turns out.

Classic Chris

Chris snaps a mid-loop shot of his favorite subject on the Anaconda at Kings Dominion, July 2005.

Chris Does the Birchmere

Last night, Chris took in a performance by Yo La Tengo at the Birchmere in Alexandria, one of his favorite venues for live music. The big guy was accompanied by October-Friend-of-Chris Runner-Up and Two-Time FOC Nominee Tim H. and his strikingly adorable crush Bridie; and yours truly, of course, the ol' ball and chain. He spoke exclusively to Chris Weekly about the evening:

CW: You were spotted at the Birchmere in Alexandria last night for the Yo La Tengo show, although sources say your party arrived during Jack Rose's opening set and just barely found four seats together. Seat designation issues aside, what did you think of the show in general?

Chris: I thought the show, while entertaining, never really got off the ground. Maybe it was the format or maybe it was because it was at the [low-key] Birchmere on a Tuesday night. I do think the musicians in the band are very talented and pretty funny to boot!

CW: And the waitress? Were you happy with her performance? (Arguably the more important of the two.)

Chris: Didn't see much of her. This is unfortunate because I could have used another beer near the end.

CW: And the gumbo?

Chris: The gumbo was delish. I'm not saying it compares to the gumbo at RT's or anything you'll find down in New Orleans but it holds its own for that type of venue.

CW: For fans who aren't familiar with the Birchmere, why do you like this venue?

Chris: The room is small and you get to sit at a table and order dinner and drinks. Think of a cinema and draft house but for live music instead of movies.

CW: It seemed as though you were restless at times. Was the set list not "nearly fast enough for you?"

Chris: Yeah, it was kind of mellow. While this is no fault of the band, I'm not all that familiar with their catalog that goes back more than 20 years. They are obviously very talented musically, but I think I'd prefer to see them plugged in. I've heard they can really turn the mother out.

CW: How many songs did they perform with which you were familiar?

Chris: I think it was just the one. Can't remember the name. Black something or other I think.

CW: You were out of there by 10:30. Would you say the show ended a little early for your taste?

Chris: I'm not even sure it made it to 10:30. I guess most of the audience had to get back in time to take the babysitter home.

CW: Would you go see YLT again, or are you happy with listening to them at home?

Chris: I would see them again. Like I said above, I'd like to see the full band plugged in and rockin' out.

CW: In other news, it's been reported that a dentist appointment, a standard 6-month cleaning, for which you are overdue, was made for you, two weeks from now. What will you do to psyche yourself up for this?

Chris: Two weeks from now?!?!?!?! This may not be a sufficient amount of time for me to prepare. My plan is to try and block it out until the day of.

[Editor's Note: The prohibition of cameras in the theater considerably hindered my goal of snapping a real photo of Chris at the show. So, here's a shot of the band performing at the Skirball Center at NYU. That's pretty much what they looked like last night. Minus the fake roaring fire.]

What's Chris Thinking About Right This Second?

"Interesting story about the necktie."

12:38 PM 10/22/2007

[Editor's Note: On the way to the metro this morning we got to talking about neckties and how they came to be. For those who share in Chris's curiosity, see below.]

Per Wiki:
The Necktie Origin or neck tie history dates back a mere hundred years or so, for they came into existence as the direct result of a war. In 1660, in celebration of its hard fought victory over Turkey, a crack regiment from Croatia (then part of the Austro Hungarian Empire) visited Paris. There, the soldiers were presented as glorious heroes to Louis XIV, a monarch well known for his eye toward personal adornment. It so happened that the officers of this regiment were wearing brightly colored handkerchiefs fashioned of silk around their necks. These neck cloths, which probably descended from the Roman fascalia worn by orators to warm the vocal chords, struck the fancy of the king, and he soon made them an insignia of royalty as he created a regiment of Royal Cravattes. The word "cravat [Editor's Note: French for "necktie" and English for "fancy shmancy necktie"]," incidentally, is derived from the word "Croats."

From the Editor in Chief, U.S. ... and Publisher

Hello all,

It's a beautiful morning here in DC, unseasonably warm with a light balmy breeze. Love that global warming!

I know you're all dying to know. Yes, Chris had a fun weekend but he also tended to the home like the provider he is and got some nagging housework done. For starters, he finally put up the remaining tiles for our kitchen backsplash on Saturday! (I'll try to get a pic for you on my lunch break.) Astute readers may notice that this project has been pending completion for two years now, so this was big news for our household. No, it's not yet grouted, but patience, dear reader. Chris wants to take his time on this one and do it right. He's flirting with the idea of grouting this weekend, in fact. Worn out from a day of physical labor, Mr. Saturday Night just kicked it that evening, innertubing at home with his wife and some Chinese food.

Also of note, though I'm sure the CW fanbase is aware, his beloved Redskins won on Sunday against the Cardinals in a nail-biting, stomach-churning, butt-clenching, mind-warping botched-field-goal finish on the part of the birds. Poor Rackers.

So what does Chris's week look like? He'll be attending a concert Tuesday night [Yo La Tengo at the Birchmere in Alexandria for those who'd like to come catch a glimpse. Of Chris.]; and likely celebrating the birthday of October-Friend-of-Chris-Disqualified-Nominee Lauren M. on Wednesday evening. Dinner will be light on flair; probably an eggs-and-bacon-Rice-a-Roni-Totino's kind of week. Also, our State Farm bill is due on Thursday and I need to schedule a dentist appointment for Chris, who is overdue for his six-month cleaning. There you have it! You're up to speed.

Chris Heading Out for Bagel!

It's Monday morning and Chris is having a typically difficult time easing into the work week. It's times like these he turns to boiled yeast and flour. Keep an eye out for him as he braves the DC streets to find a bagel to tide him over til lunch. He didn't specify where he was going; I'll try to confirm that for you for next time. But he's lookin' sharp today and shouldn't be too hard to find. Dressed to the nines with just the right amount of scruff.

UPDATE: Chris was spotted at Au Bon Pain, where he purchased a sesame bagel and loaded it up with butter and preserves. We asked him about cream cheese, to which he replied, "that costs extra. Butter, though unsalted, is complimentary."

Chris Answers Fan Mail

Tex in Clifton writes:

"Just wanna check in on that knee, partner. You take it easy this weekend, you hear?"

Chris replies: Thanks for the well wishes, Tex. My knee is pretty much back to normal [see "Chris Answers Mail About Knee Injury," Oct. 10]. Sure, I like to grunt and moan every now and then for effect but for those of you out there genuinely concerned about the health of my ligaments, I’m cool. Though I plan to continue to stay off my feet around the house. Just for good measure, of course.

Shirley from Fredericksburg writes:

"Any plans for the weekend, Chris?"

Chris: Shirley, I’m just kickin’ it. I hope to finally get the last bit of backsplash tile up in our kitchen, and of course the Redskins play on Sunday. But other than that, and a Friday night dinner out with my lady, I’ll be takin’ it easy (at Tex’s behest).

Keep those letters coming! Write to us at BigJuicyVan[at]gmail[dot]com. Or just hit the freaking Comments link below.

Chris Spotted at South Austin Grill

Martin from Alexandria writes:

"I'll never forget where I was when I heard, 'I'll have the Carne Asada,' and then looked over and it was Chris! It was around 8:45 last night. Those looks, that laugh, that cough; it was him. I had just ordered the same thing and I'm not one of those people who thinks life is a series of random coincidences. I was meant to be in that restaurant at that time. He was dining with his family and looked like he was enjoying himself. They go through a lot of chips!"

[Editor's Note: Be like Chris. Next time order the Carne Asada: "an 8 oz. mesquite grilled skirt steak topped with Salsa Borracho. Served on a bed of grilled onions with garlic mashed potatoes and corn on the cob." Tell 'em Chris sent you.]

Chris Captures Gere

Richard Gere and the Dalai Lama truly are BFFs. Chris saw "the officer and gentleman" himself [center in gray suit] at yesterday's ceremony honoring the DL with the U.S. Congressional Gold Medal, and has graciously shared this photo with us. Nice shot, Chris!

Chrisstalking

Chris's usual lunch schedule was altered today so that he could attend the Dalai Lama ceremony. But that didn't throw off his biggest fan! One R. Tinkle spotted, or rather tracked, Chris at Potbelly today. He writes:

Turkey regular
Not too much mayo, you douche!
He won't like it

Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He sleeps!

Chris Ditches Work for the Dalai Lama

The United States Congressional Gold Medal is being awarded today to the Dalai Lama, and Chris, who works for an organization cool enough to sanction his noble request, got to scoot out of work for a bit to watch the ceremony with a co-worker. So if you're able to do the same, keep an eye out for him and his big ass camera, as he has promised some pics for us mortals.

[Editor's Note: I didn't really like the pics I found of the Dalai Lama so I posted this one of Richard Gere instead. I figure it's the next best thing.]



CW: A peaceful resolution to your war with boredom.

From the Editor in Chief, U.S. ... and Publisher

Hello, all...

That's my Wednesday face over there: optimistic that the weekend is now on the horizon but disappointed that it is still only on the horizon. But I got some good news upon saddling up here at the office--first that Chris's brother Andy passed the bar, as you better have read below; and that I've been promoted! Well, not in my real job. In this, my fantasy job. I can now add the title of Publisher, U.S., Chris Weekly, to my already impressive pretend resume! Thank you, thank you. In lieu of gifts, please send fan mail.

So, then, moving on. Something quite amazing happened last night. Besides Sen. Larry Craig trying to convince me and Matt Lauer that he's merely a victim of his "wide stance." I watched this show on ESPN [I certainly haven't written that phrase many times in my life] about the triumphant comeback win by the Buffalo Bills over the Houston Oilers in the early 90s. What a great story! What a great GAME! As I'm quite sure the fan base of this blog knows, the Bills came back from a dismal score of 35-3 in the fourth quarter. But I didn't have to watch 3 1/2 hours of stops and starts to get there. I love that accelerated football. Just the amazing plays one after the other, interspersed with heartwarming anecdotes from the old players, and ending with an exciting overtime win! Now if only the NFL could stick to that recipe... then they'd really have something.

But I digress. The important thing here is that Chris achieved the impossible: I got into a football game. I FINALLY understand the whole "four downs" process [though please don't ask me to explain it]; I learned that a fumble is when you lose the ball in a tackle before your knee hits the ground, not just a clumsy, bonehead play; and I know what an onside kick is and why a team might choose to go that route. I even at one time reminded Chris to go back to ESPN after flipping around during commercials! Granted, it was a schmaltzy look back on an old game but nonetheless, I enjoyed a football game and with little effort. And I had no problem foregoing Seinfeld or 90210 to watch it, which is certainly a feat. He really can do anything, and is more than worthy of our devotion.

Breaking News: Chris's Brother Andy Passes the Bar!

Congratulations, counselor,
from all of us here at CW. That's mayjah!


Chris Weekly: Raising the bar on coverage of Chris. And his bros.

I'm With Chris

Chris is pictured with October-Friend-of-Chris Runner-Up Tim H. at Sunday's Redskins v. Detroit game at FedEx Field. [For more information, see "Chris's Sean Taylor Block Photos Posted on Redskins Blog," Oct. 10]

Chris Ambivalent About Today's Lunch

"Not sure [what I'm doing] for lunch. It'll be a game-time decision. I'll keep CW posted." 12:27 PM 10/12/2007

A promised update; we like the sound of that. Stay tuned!

UPDATE: Chris went to Au Bon Pain and got mac 'n cheese and a turkey-and-swiss sandwich on a baguette. Good choice!

Chris: He's Just Like Us!

He brushes his teeth!

Chris Answers Fan Mail About Knee Injury

Duane from Silver Spring writes:

I heard you been complaining lately that your knee "still hurts." What happened, big guy?

Chris:
Thanks for writing, Duane. Okay, so I'm returning from a long day at the office and as I enter the parking lot I notice that the final segment of my ride [i.e., riding between parked cars to get up to the front walkway] will be a tight one. It seems that my lovely wife had parked her car askew, pinched in to the left [pictured], and I therefore had to negotiate a tight squeeze for myself and my bike. I'm making my way through slowly and as I do my right knee slammed into her car's left side view mirror, cracking it [also pictured]. My knee at the time felt okay and I shrugged it off as something that I could later give her shit for, my favorite pastime. It wasn't until after I picked her up from 'Shecky's Girls Night Out' [Editor's Note: Which was a complete and total BUST!] in DC that my knee began to tighten up and hurt.

"[The injury] wasn't anything a few beers and acetaminophen couldn't cure, but it was indeed hurting again on my ride to work the next morning. That's right, the trooper that I am, I rode to work the next day without the benefit of strength in both legs. I had to 'soft pedal' with my right leg the entire ride, thus hampering my arrival time, thus delaying my departure time later that evening, which torments the wife.

"So here we are a week later and my knee still hasn't completely healed. [When I wake up] in the morning, it is tight. I'm hoping that this isn't a long-term nagging injury because it will really give me problems once the weather gets cold. Although that way I can continue to give Kelly shit about the incident so that makes it worth it. I'll keep you guys posted, don't worry!"

Editor's Note: Not sure how this one is my fault. My car was PARKED. Admittedly askew, but parked nonetheless. Chris customarily rides between PARKED cars. Also, I now have to deal with a cracked side view mirror! Now, objects in the mirror are closer than they appear and also fragmented. But I'm not complaining. I hate myself regardless for executing a hasty, careless park that resulted in Chris experiencing pain, and have appropriately punished myself to boot. I grabbed my neighbor's sledgehammer this morning, threw back a couple shots of Jack Daniels and clubbed the s$#% out of my right knee. [Great pun alert] We are now united in our joint discomfort. Maybe with each painful step, I'll think about my parking job and the pain it's caused. (Chris, not me.)

Breaking News: Chris's Sean Taylor Block Photos Posted on Redskins Blog!

We here at CW have dubbed it "Anatomy of a Block..."

Okay, so at the Redskins game against Detroit on Sunday, there was some big block on the part of team participant Sean Taylor. Someone from the other team was like running towards the Redskin with the ball, presumably to usurp the ball, and Sean Taylor thwarted that intention with brutal force, which made for some pretty cool pics, one of which was acknowledged by and posted on CurlyR[dot]blogspot[dot]com for its fierce depiction of the tackle. The blogger also gives Chris's photo library a shout out:

Image detail from montage of Sean Taylor leveling Lions safety Eric Frampton during James Thrash's 62-yard punt return in the fourth quarter, photo courtesy of CHRIS aka ctankcycles. Check out Chris's other photos [here]. THEY ARE INCREDIBLE!

How cool! Yeah, it was we who put that last part in all caps; we couldn't help it. Between his photo in the German tourbook, DCist using his Navy Memorial shot on its site [news that predated the launch of CW by several weeks], this Curly R blog citing, and the eponymous blog you are reading now, Chris is really making a name for himself in the cybersphere. Now go check out this dude's site, or you can relive the block above. While it goes against everything the CW staff believes in to condone sports entertainment--or even to post these pictures, frankly--Chris would want it that way.

From the Editor in Chief, U.S.

Hey y'all,

Turns out there is one good thing about the workaday life: use' em or lose 'em sick days! So posts might be light today, as I'm home eating Oreos, as you see over there. Okay, so that pic was from last night's Oreo session but that's about what I look like now.

Mmmm...Oreos. My whole LIFE I eschewed Oreos; at slumber parties, pool parties, friends' houses, wherever they would pop up as celebratory or recreational fare for youngsters. Why is this information pertinent to Chris Weekly? Because as he does in every other aspect of my existence, Chris showed me the light. As I was raised on cheesecakes, pound cakes and carrot cakes for dessert, he helped me to realize that an after-dinner treat doesn't have to be anything more than a thin layer of cream filling betwixt two silver-dollar-sized chocolate cookies. It was that rationale--or the fact that he continued to buy them over the last 10 years and I would eat them in a pinch. But whatever. I love them now! Thanks to Chris, I've found another high-calorie refined-sugar product to work into my diet! His wisdom feeds the soul AND the tush.

Chris, like me, is a purist. We do 'em natural, right out of the pack. None of this pull-apart-and-lick nonsense. But I also love to dip them in milk, which Chris is NOT into. And fresh ones? Ay dios mio! But fighting the freshness battle is no longer an issue with Nabisco's new stick-and-seal pack [shown above], which ensures the cookies stay fresh much longer. Chris has really been enjoying this latest development in packaging. So pick up a pack today and think of Chris with a big smile on his face with each crunchy bite.

Chris Tackles Grouse Grind ... AGAIN!

On our honeymoon to Vancouver, B.C., Chris and I hiked the Grouse Grind. Here's my recap of that experience from our old blog:

"Imagine climbing stairs, straight up, vertically, skipping three steps at a time. I certainly didn't know what I was getting into, but I held my own for someone who's last physical accomplishment of any notable duration was tee-ball in the early 80s. And bear in mind Chris and I are rationing water. At one point, my legs literally felt like spaghetti, as if I could barely hold myself up. By the time Chris took this picture, I had lost all composure. I was desperate to stay energized and cool as my new Capilene shirt began to soak. But I kept going, oftentimes getting a burst of energy after stopping for a few minutes."

Well, readers, CW has learned that Chris did the Grind again! Nice job, big guy. Doin' work. He's pictured above with his friend and fellow hiker Charlie. Look at him smiling like it ain't no thang. I may not have handled the Grouse Grind with the grace exemplified by Chris, but I did in fact finish the damn thing. And not just for the "I Survived" t-shirt at the top. But because Chris has taught me to finish what I start. He said to me, "Once you're halfway, you kinda have to keep going one way or the other." It works in life and on a mountain. Brilliance personified!

For added laughs this morning, enjoy the shot of your editor in chief experiencing what I describe in the above paragraph. Hey, it was hot, vertical and we had no water!!

Chris's Friends: They're Just Like Chris!

They pass out!

Breaking News: Chris Changed His Sandwich Order Months Ago

You (eventually) heard it here first, folks. After a marathon stint with the Wreck, Chris reveals his dalliance with a new sandwich:


"I went to Potbelly today. Had the Turkey Regular [pictured above]. Not sure it's a fave but I've been on a Turkey Regular with 'a little extra mayo' for a few months now."

3:20 PM 10/8/2007

Way to go, Chris! For added kicks, why not lose yourself and try a pickle?

From the Editor in Chief, U.S.

Good afternoon, y'all,

It's Monday, yes, but it's Columbus Day, and neither Chris nor I have the day off. Blech. Corporate bastards. As if a day on which to celebrate Christopher Columbus' erroneous "discovery" of an already-inhabited continent while trying to search for a western route to the Orient were not in order for us all! Anyway, I think I'd rather take today to celebrate director Chris Columbus, who "founded" some of my favorite film classics, such as Rent, Adventures in Babysitting and, of course, The Goonies. And here at CW, there's always room for another Chris on the pedestal. Here's to you, Chris!

Now on to the weekend recap. As Chris is in the midst of the 2007 NFL [No Freaking Life] football season, my weekend was low-key but nice. Saturday evening we watched Virginia Tech kick the paws off Clemson with disappointed-but-thankful-to-have-been-nominated October Friend-of-Chris Runner-Up Tim H., as we grilled fresh prawns and scallops Chris and I had picked up earlier at the wharf in DC. None of those Long John Silver's party platters at our crib. With a big day at FedEx Field looming ahead for the big guy, we turned in around midnight after catching a few skits on SNL. Sunday, I got in a little shopping and a marathon nap with The Mar while Chris did the football thing with Andy, Tim H. and his brother CHRIS H. Another Chris! We love it!

CW caught up with its favorite Chris after the fun, but unjustly abbreviated, weekend:

CW: How's it feel to be behind a desk right now when a good portion of Washington is at home chillin’?

Chris: Being at work on Columbus Day sucks. The only good thing about it is that government workers don't get the Friday after Thanksgiving off. The Skins win yesterday eases the pain of another work week.

CW: But at least you’ve got a good weekend in your rear view mirror, with two big wins and some tasty grub, right?

Chris: All three of my teams won this weekend. Michigan held off a weak Eastern Michigan team, VT's defense shoved it down Clemson's throat all night, and the Skins offense showed up big, for the first time all year, against the Lions. Also, their defense looked pretty good, giving up only three points to a Detroit team that has been advertised lately as being "high powered."

CW: What were some of your weekend highlights?

Chris: The seafood we picked up at the DC waterfront fish market was damn good during the Tech game Saturday night. Huge sea scallops and perfectly marinated shrimp. Next time we're gettin' the HUGE prawns.

CW:You got some big news this weekend: it’s rumored that one Josh Bode is coming back to town? Why will CW readers like Josh?

Chris: I have heard but cannot confirm that Josh is moving back to the area. I'm not the only one who would be thrilled by his move back. I wonder if things would be different if his beloved Oregon State footballers were having a better year? CW readers will like Josh because he's fun, funny and has the patience of a saint. It can be trying to make plans with me due to my irrational, delusional concept of time, but Josh handles duress with finesse.

CW: In other big news, J. Lo will soon announce her pregnancy, possibly on tonight's Late Show! Care to be the first to comment?

Chris: I know that J. Lo and her husband Marc have been struggling with infertility, so I'm happy as hell for them. I've always thought that, with those resources and that booty, she would be a great mother and role model for girls everywhere. And to hear that she's expecting twins?? Ay dios mio!

Chris Weekly: Discover this.

Chrisstalking

Seems Chris might have a friend tailing him home tonight, namely one R. Tinkle. He writes:

He should come out soon
Waiting outside ABA
Police harassment

Hang tight, Ricky! If it's after 2 PM you know Chris's thinking cap is off and he's ready for the weekend. Won't be too much longer now...

Chris Recommends ... "Knocked Up"

CW: It's been reported that getting you interested in renting or seeing a motion picture is very difficult. What made you want to watch this motion picture?

Chris: I've wanted to see "Knocked Up" since I first began seeing previews. I even went so far as to consider going to see it at the theater but then I came to my senses and decided to wait for it to come out on DVD. I stand by my choice.

I liked the line from the preview where Ben Stone [the protagonist] is playing fetch with the kids and Debbie is like, "He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs." And then when Matt Lauer and the gang from "Today" spoke of it so highly I knew it was bound to be a classic.

CW: So it lived up to your expectations?

Chris: And then some. I haven't seen a funny movie that didn't stop being funny half-way through in a long time.

CW: What was your favorite scene?

Chris: The scene where he's dancing in the club with Alison is pretty good. Martin says, "I think he's using the dice move a bit too much." To which Jay retorts, "I think that's pretty much all he's got."

[I also liked] the scene where Debbie thinks her husband is cheating on her so she follows him out for the evening and she finds him participating in a fantasy baseball draft and is actually more upset about that than if he had been cheating on her. Fantasy sports...the new cheating.

CW: Most memorable line(s)?

Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison Scott: You're not going to f#$% me like a dog.
Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.

Pete: You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.

Jill: Oh, no, we're not asking you to lose weight. That would be illegal. We just want you to be healthy, by eating less. So go home, weigh yourself on a scale, write that down. Then subtract 20 from that number. And weigh that.

CW: You typically shy away from schmaltzy scenes or those heavy with human emotion. There were some scenes that bordered on caring and sensitive. How did you handle those?

Chris: I was actually thinking about the writers and cast and how they must feel obligated to throw a cheesy scene or two in the movie just to hook the chicks out there. Guys could get by with all the drinking/drug use humor and pass on the "sensitive" scenes. I think I handled them okay.

CW: What about that "crowning" shot, eh?

Chris: Haven't seen anything like that since 10th grade biology. Proof that sometimes censors are for our own good.

CW: How many stars out of 5?

Chris: FIVE

CW: Will you watch "The Goonies" now?

Chris: NO.

What's Chris Thinking About Right This Second?

"I'm getting hungry. Think we can afford for me to eat lunch?" 10/5/2007 2:33 PM

Check back with us to find out where Chris had lunch!

UPDATE: Chris is "heading out to Au Bon Pain. If they don't have the soup I'm looking for I'll probably just get Potbelly." [Editor's Note: See "Chris Resolves Mayo Dispute," Sept. 18, for more on what he can expect there.]

Check back with us to find out if Chris gets his preferred soup!

UPDATE: Chris got his soup, pasta e fagioli, at Au Bon Pain. "Yes, they had it," he says, "and it was good."

Chris on Hung

There aren't too many shows anymore that keep Chris coming back week after week. Yeah, back in the day he used to keep up with Real World but he hasn't cared much about the Real World gang since Chicago, at least. Maybe Las Vegas. But we digress... Top Chef is delish, and, in his defense, is Chris's only "reality show" vice. Plus it's on Bravo so, you know, it doesn't feel as low-class as watching, say, Rock of Love on VH1.

This week's Top Chef finale was a real nail-biter that left Chris a bit surprised at the outcome. He's signed off on FOC--Now, Chris Weekly checks in with the man himself to see if he's accepted THESE results:

CW: You weren't a huge Hung supporter. Now that you've had a couple nights to sleep on it, do you feel Hung deserved to win?

Chris: I was not a huge Hung supporter, and to my credit I don't think you can peg me as being a "supporter" of any of the contestants. You may recall, as this all took place less than 48 hours ago, that I was rooting for Hung in the end. When it came down to it, the chick, Casey, didn't have a chance, and if I had to choose between Dale and Hung I would, and did, choose Hung. I just think it means more to him and besides, the duck dish he made had the judges creaming in their respective pants.

CW: Many fans cite Hung's arrogance when asked why they don't like him. How did Hung's arrogance register with you?

Chris: I'm fine with it. He knows he's a bad-ass chef. His arrogance doesn't annoy me because I know he can back it up. He never really betrayed anyone on the show and most of the other contestants seem to like him. [Editor's Note: most contestants in fact had beef with Hung for being self-centered and inconsiderate in the kitchen] Like I always say, hate the game, not the playa!

CW: Who did you WANT to win?

Chris: If I had to choose someone I would have to say Hung all along. Something about him just stood out compared to the other contestants and I think that's what it takes to win. Leading up to the finale, I thought it would either be Casey or Hung. If Casey would have put out the same dishes as Dale, she would have won because the show has never had a chick win and let's face it, sex, even weird culinary sex, sells.

October's Friend of Chris: Official Results!

Good morning all,

The CW tribe has spoken... And has demanded that Tim X. be named October's Friend of Chris! The race was a tight one, with Tim X. and Tim H. coming in virtually neck and neck at 50 and 49.5 percent of the votes, respectively. However, when it came time for our judges to make the final decision, this anonymous letter from a CW loyalist may have been the clincher:

"I won't reveal my relationship with the big left hander but I will say that I once joined Tim X. in assisting Chris in removing his old [impossibly heavy, cast iron] bath tub. I remember thinking what a good sport Tim X was and in fact, a real leader in this endeavor. My question to Tim H. is, where were you, dude?"

Easy now, reader. We can't fault Tim H. for not living in the area at the time, as he surely would have been there with bells on to help if he could. But alas, that tub in particular was one heavy SOB. And as the great Jerry Seinfeld once proclaimed, "Tub is love." When considering a tiebreaker such as this, we'd be remiss if Tim's willingness to help and exemplary leadership skills during said tub move, when, unlike his brothers, he's under no familial mandate to do so, were not considered. And so, it is with great pleasure and much fanfare that the staff here at CW bestow the October Friend of Chris Award to...

Tim X.!! [trumpets sound]

Chris had this to say on the win: "It's good that Tim has something to hold his head up for after what must have been a rough weekend of football. It's news like this that'll get a guy out of bed in the morning to face another day."

Tim [who could not be reached for comment], you may be wondering what you have won. And we've been dying to show you. Of course you'll receive the obligatory certificate, suitable for that prime spot on your living room wall or perhaps your desk at work. But wait, there's more. For you, Tim X, and for all CW readers.

Those images you see up there are CW's first official print-out, iron-on patches! We've got one for the outlaw, and a clean, modern look for those artsy types. Just click to enlarge your favorite design, fire up the ol' LaserJet and print, grab your Hamilton-Beech SteamMaster and a stiff drink, and get busy. Don't have a tee? No problem! We have a deal with Target. Just use your Visa or MasterCard at checkout, and be sure to tell the salesperson you're getting shirts for your Chris Weekly official iron-on patch. You'll see Target's discount price on the receipt! Who's looking out for you? That's an easy one.


Chris Weekly: A celebration of life. (Chris's life.)

October's Friend of Chris Award: Unofficial Results!

Looks like you all are leaning toward Tim X...

Bart from McLean writes:

"Prettyboys like that Tim H. character always get everything handed to them. Chris likes a deep thinker. Tim X. for October’s Friend of Chris!"

Terry from Tyson's Corner writes:

"Didn’t that guy try to sell me one of those blue heart necklaces from Titanic back in 98? Those things were bogus, man! And I thought I was talking to Leo! Hey Tim H., I got your “Jewel of the Sea” right here. Tim X for FOC."

Sue from Woodbridge writes:

"Tim X is right. I’ve heard that Chris in fact does not make his own drinks. I love Chris but it’s 2007, dude! Tim X for FOC!"

Brett from Alexandria writes:

"I too love to breathe! Tim X!"

...But haven't yet given up on Tim H...

Gordon from D.C. writes:

"Tim H. all the way. He did in fact give me the snug tee off his back once."

Johnny from Falls Church writes:

"I know Tim H. I played football with Tim H. Tim X is no Tim H. Tim H. for FOC."

It's not to late to vote, people! Official results will be announced tomorrow. Write to us with your vote at BigJuicyVan[at]gmail[dot]com.

What's Chris Thinking Right This Second?

"I'm thinking how The Boss's lyrical style in the song 'Girls In Their Summer Clothes' off his new album 'Magic,' is quite a departure for him. The lyrics are pure Bruce but the sound is fresh and a nice contrast from the rest of the album."

10/2/2007 4:19 PM

Battle Royale: Tim v. Tim!

Awww snap. It's on now.

Tim X is feeling the pressure and has commenced the obligatory mudslinging, as October's FOC race heats up:

He writes:

"Not to find flaw with another candidate's 'treatise,' but I have to question the other Tim's thoughts on self-sufficiency. I'm sorry, but I highly doubt Chris would be able to survive on his own, since he is not even capable of mixing his own bourbon-and-coke, and is, in fact, heavily dependent upon [CW Editor-in-Chief, U.S., Kelly B.] for such tasks."

Meet the Candidates

Tim H.!

If you don't know Tim Hays, well...he'd like to change that. This affable, fresh-faced hipster and former HSQB has the distinction of knowing Chris the longest of the Friend-of-Chris candidates, coming in about a year or so before Lauren Madigan [whose FOC candidacy at this time is in question]. He enjoys music, movies, internationals and spirits [libations, not ghosts], architecture, toiletries and merriment. He'd give you, but preferably Chris, the snug tee off his back if you needed it.

Tim had this say upon learning of the FOC nomination:

"I must say I think I have one up on friendship longevity with Chris, considering he and I were freshmen back in 1995 [at Virginia Tech] together. Even though there was a time in between that was rather dormant, it just goes to show that no matter how long someone is away, you just don't seem to skip a beat with Chris. That says a lot for Chris's character, and mine as well. But this isn't about me."

He continued, "I feel the reason why there's such a solid friendship between Chris and I is because we both like the simple necessities in life: exceptional food, a tasty drink, the beautiful outdoors, lively music, good comedy, friendly animals, exciting sporting events, neat electronics, mechanical gadgets, power tools and home repair. I mean, the list is endless. Those kinds of things keep conversation endless between Chris and me. We are both 'Jacks of all Trades.' In the event of humans dying in the distant future, Chris and I have the ability to be totally self-sufficient. I understand that this is just a nomination, and that's what counts. Chris knows I will always be there for him."

CW replies: We could skip lunch off that slice of humble pie. But we won't. Tim, in a perfect world, your loyalty and earnest prose would be enough for us here at CW to honor you with the award. But alas, your fate lies in the hands of our readership. For an award is meaningless if the people themselves do not bestow it.

To vote for Tim for your October Friend of Chris, send an e-mail to us at Chris Weekly, or text us at 703.489.1041. Standard text messaging rates apply.

Chris Weekly: Forget 2008. Only our candidates have your best interest at heart: Chris.

Classic Chris, c. 2003

[Editor's Note: Sigh....]